great minds

2012-01-09T13:44:00.000-08:00

what makes a great mind?
how would one know if one had such a thing?

we want to align our thoughts with great thinkers
and spend our energies in pursuit of things that truly matter.
(the use of 'we' here assumes that you are with me and wish to be a great mind)
who would be a greater thinker than Jesus? what words would be wiser than his?

How about these words ( beautitudes ) for a start?

Blessed are the poor in spirit : for theirs is the kingdom of

heaven.

Blessed are they that mourn : for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek : for they shall inherit the earth.

simplicity

2011-11-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

I want a simple cross when I die
not tall and proud, nor heavy and expensive
give me a simple symbol of God's greatest gift to me
I have laid my empty shell aside
gone on to be with Him who died for me
Amazing Love.

simple news is the best

2011-11-18T07:34:00.000-08:00

here I am
Healthier than ever
happy, yet capable of the full range of emotions
not drugged in any way, but very stable
I have grown, not out of ADD but away from its worst symptoms
I know this, having a mission helps
Having proper diet ( much less sugar, less caffeine, no coffee) helps
being in good shape helps
I lost 20 lbs in Sep and Oct. through lots of exercise and a simpler diet.
Being honest helps, do not live a life that makes your inner man or woman uncomfortable.
Having great family helps. I love my brother, sisters, and sister in law.
Going to a dynamic bible teaching church balances me
and writing has helped me sort many issues so that I do not spend inordinate amounts of time thinking about 'stuff'.

before the light

2011-11-13T05:08:00.001-08:00

before the first light of day
the moon was hanging low in the west
and fooled me into getting up
I am fully rested and my mind is quite alert
going through a dozen possibilities of a logic puzzle that has no solution.
I toss and turn, never getting very comfortable in a too small sleeping bag.
Its been five days on the trail, and five long nights as well,
Today will be different, better, and yet harder.
On this early morning I need to rise, cook and eat, pack my too heavy pack and walk up the granite trail to the top of my known world. Mt. Whitney awaits, and with it a hundred memories of wonderful days long past. My strength comes from God, but my inner character comes from my earthly father. He has never let me down, never disappointed, and will be true to me today also. as I walk the same trail we walked some 40 years ago, I know now what he was going through then. This is damned hard work! Best not to even think about it, focus on something else, people you love, the great views, try not to listen to your heart racing and the lungs pulling hard at the thin air. Just put one foot in front of the other and show those young people that this old man can make it, just fine. Let the mountain draw you upward.

good brain, talk to my heart

2011-11-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

Isn't it something how we can know
Know for sure and yet we still
W I S H for somethings to be true,
hope for others to be NOT true and
wail in our deepest parts about what is not fair?

How can I know anything for sure? Knowing that God IS helps.
Knowing that he wrote to me in his word and that it is a letter of love and acceptance as well as warnings, that when He thinks of me, He sees me as perfected, whole and not struggling.

I know that my mom and dad loved each other and loved me.
I am sure that I am a lovable and loving person, though not perfectly so.
Certain of my intentions, I risk the possibility of being misunderstood by being very open, very real with others. I firmly believe that you will not ever meet another 'ME', so I give it my all while we have this thing called time (together).

cool fall day

2011-10-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

i write, because 'it is there'. ( mallory)
or maybe because it "is in here" pointing to my heart.

All of the therapy I have experienced has done wonders for me.
No doubt I am better because of good, caring therapists. I am also a beneficiary of a large caring family that listens, loans wisdom, and gives generously when times are tough. I thank God for all of them. I rejoice now as much as ever, that my love of writing has turned into a love for my own life as I write down the parts, the episodes, the wonderful memory strewn path that winds from that place so long ago into the present where I live now. I am sometiomes troubled bythe person I seemed to be when under great stress. ( i could be angry, hostile punative, though not usually outward) At times I was so sad that i thought of what it would be like to take my own life, these thoughts being brief and easily quashed by thoughts of my children.
Some days I NEEDED to write. Others I could not, but now it is as if I can not avoid writing. if i do not put this down here or on a yellow pad, I will put these words into the time between sleep and wake, in between the cutting of trim and the nailing of same. I squeeze these sorts of thoughts in between brush strokes.
White primer, layers of memories, then the brush adds a layer of blue. Sealed, set in the texture of my day.
I have now lived many places, and i do not like to move. I have taken on many roles, and I do not like to act.
I have become many things to many people, but always trying to find out who I was in Christ, my Lord, the savior of my soul.

Thank you Dad

2011-10-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

I can recall my parents being so proud of me, and I was doing things that could make one's parents proud. I was an Altar boy, helping the priest to say mass, conduct funerals and weddings, I loved it enough to go for Ad Altare Dei, the BSA award for religious service. There was magic in the air when the incense burned, and I struck the match that lit the charcoal, so all would be ready when father would make that happen. I worked hard at delivering papers four days a week on my bike. Rainy days dad would load the station wagon with my papers and Ricks and drive the route with us. He worked hard, too, and then balanced time at home, with continuing education ( he took German classes with my mom for fun). A man of a thousand talents, yet his best was making me know that I was doing good, and that I was loved. Oh how I would miss that assurance when I was straying and lost touch with my dad.
I did the study and projects for each rank of Boy scouts, and some were easier than others. I loved swimming, rowing, canoeing, all accomplished during summer camps at camp Whitsett. I could not stay awake for the astronomy assignment that had us charting the sky at midnight, two and four am, so some one let me copy their chart, close enough. We walked an extra mile to get the order of the arrow, my dad and I, eating less, and doing with few comforts for the weekend away with other hearty souls. breakfast was a raw egg and a Dixie cup. What you did with it was up to you. Some tried to boil the water in the paper cup and cook the egg, most of those went hungry as their egg fell into the fire. Dad and I drank our egg, and were glad we did. the last night each candidate was led to a remote place, with only their sleeping bag, and told to stay there, to not talk until morning when some one would come and get them. Being comfortable by yourself was valued, and now I wonder how many people ever get to enjoy that feeling?
When I had fifteen or seventeen merit badges and needed 21 to get to eagle scout, dad's desire for me to push on became evident. He had become first class, star and Life rank but had not been able to complete the eagle Scout requirements ( he had no parents, them having died when he was just a baby). I could see him getting his second chance through me, and yes it did feel great to stand on the stage at my school, at the Eagle Scout court of Honor, where I was the honoree. Mom pinned on my medal, dad shook my hand, as did the other scout masters and leaders who came to the big night. Mom wrote a piece for the paper I delivered, just like she had when i went to the World Jamboree in Japan. She was a good press agent, and I hope I did her proud when I wrote about her this past year.
There is more to tell, much more.
Tales of mountains climbed, dark valleys visited, of hope and fears that worked into a young mans mind, and had to be worked out on the field of battle that is every day life. I have not won yet, but I am still fighting, with everything that my parents and God have given me, I will be faithful until the end.

Third generation Great Mind award

2011-10-22T05:27:00.000-07:00

Jared
Jared graduated Cal Poly Pomona last June, and I just got around to editing this picture.
His wife is in her senior year, all blessings upon them both!

fading, but still useful

2011-10-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

these signs need a
fresh coat of stain
if I go back I may refresh them
but they got me
where I needed to go

Good words

2011-10-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

blue

2011-10-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

blue can be good,, cool refreshing soothing to the eyes.
Blue can mean sad, depressed, full of pain and hurt
its not the colors fault, its what you make of it,
in every blue sky there is the possibility of a white cloud or Jet trail
in the gray clouds, some silvery light may slip through
but you have to be watching, and so; chin up
face the day and push back the night
with the light that comes from within
a mere reflection of the light that comes from above.
Light, blue. This poem is for you.

post mortem for Great Minds?

2011-10-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

Old post found in drafts - from 2007?

post = after
mortem= death

this will be a sort of sighing, signing off, of a blog that was driven, in part by a real condition, that when properly treated, may go away and render the author(s) slash blogger(s) capable of so much more, that they do not return here often enough to give it the freshness and consistency that a good blog needs.
As near as I can tell, Matt is much better, and benefits greatly from his careful use of Concerta, to help control his impulsiveness and distractedness. as to me ( David) I am distracted, but healthy, and doing what comes naturally, not letting it get me depressed. finding more of my core purpose in life has helped, surrendering myself to the daily routines that accompany elder care helps also.
There is nothing as important right now as my mom's return to health. Our whole family is dedicated to this one thing, and I am a part of that team. Mom is doing well, better each day and cooperating in her treatment plan ( for a hurt, stiff, fused back)
My distractedness is helped in part by the length of summer days that allows me more hours to "get something done" even if it takes until 8pm to do so.
I sleep very little, and wake with lots of energy. when it is beastly hot, like the past few days, I nap in the afternoon, while trying to read.
I found a new career path, Massage therapist, so I am studying that, but can not afford time off for school, so I will be self taught, and learn for other licensed therapists that will exchange their massages for mine. its a good life. God is with me. I even love my ADD.

Serenity

2011-10-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

How about it

2011-08-23T12:52:00.000-07:00

some people take pills for stress or anxiety or depression.
no harm in that, i suppose.
I take trips - and not the hallucinogenic kind,
I will be going green this time
WALKING into a green forest
and eating light, losing fat,
gaining insight, writing some and no doubt signing
( God's praises) through the eastern High Sierra's
in about a month. Right now I need to get my legs in shape.
My mind is already tuned for such a vacation.

a poem for may

2011-05-02T07:39:00.000-07:00

welcome to hell
U B L

this makes me feel sane

2011-04-28T18:32:00.001-07:00

2011-03-26T09:43:00.001-07:00

a simple tip for today
VACATION.
taking a vacation can make you feel young again
like 15 years old

more later

sailing

2010-12-11T19:04:00.000-08:00

morning

2010-12-04T09:09:00.000-08:00

arch rock

2010-11-19T11:51:00.000-08:00

quartet

2010-11-08T19:02:00.000-08:00

just a little

2010-09-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

mental health break

sundowning

2010-09-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

at the end of the day, persons with dementia will experience more visions, and hear things and become disoriented and or agitated. Yesterday we discussed these sort of events with the Dr. and he prescribed something to calm anxiety for just those moments. I don't like drugs, but the ones that work are worth the effort to find and use properly.

La Jolla cove

2010-09-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

sea life: what is not to love?
eat until you are full, lay in the sun, mate,
do not care how much blubber you are carrying
because you are weightless.
Then when some one comes by, give them this look that says," I am doing just fine, thank you! "

nothing matters

2010-05-20T06:15:00.000-07:00

today nothing matters more than my mom being comfortable
feeling loved, having enough food, water, COFFEE, ibuprofen and rest.
I cant fix all that went on in her past, and I have no say about the future
though I trust my God to take great care of her.
Nothing will keep me from this: expressing love and that she is safe here.
Reminding her that this moment of pain is but a blink of the eye
and that great is her reward in the presence of the Almighty
for the years of sacrifice and humility, generosity and kindness that she showed to so many.

2010-04-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

i am reading a great book

2010-02-12T08:11:00.000-08:00

I highly recommend Mary Pipher, and her book " A Country of Their Own"
it is on aging and understanding the changes that our elders go through in the latter stages of their lives.
buy it here, read it and 'do not weep'

I grew up there - not in 1944

2009-11-19T09:49:00.000-08:00

scamorama

2009-10-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

too many scams out there
to try to bring commentary to them all
just do your homework
enter any product or infomercial name into google followed by the word scam
and schzaaaammm, you have easy access to what is wrong with:
Detoxing foot pads ( vineagar?)
Colon cleanser ( cat litter? ewwww!)
reverse mortgages
letters from a bank or Euro Lottery
bath tub refinishing
etc
etc

2996 never forget - Betty Ong

2009-09-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

happy feet

2009-09-07T23:54:00.000-07:00

i
i went to Laguna Beach for four great days
and my feet were naked!
I came home brown and guilt ridden.
Oh well, no vacation is perfect

if you have not watched Glenn Beck, today is the day
or a repeat of his 9-11 show

see I really AM crazy

2009-08-30T19:14:00.001-07:00

It is beautiful in here

2009-08-01T12:35:00.000-07:00

I love my mind
and my life and
the emotions that are flowing
through me these days.
the struggle was worth it.
This peak was worth going through all the valleys.
I am happy, full and content.

these are my people

2009-04-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

From the Sheriff's log April 8th:

"Assault, Spruce Avenue, Sugarloaf.

Regarding a fight between father and daughter after she tried to get in the way of him and her husband who called the father a douche bag."

this is where I live people!

amy grant

2009-04-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

YOU know people in Tennessee

2009-04-13T05:45:00.001-07:00

The Nashville Area Chapter of the American Red Cross has opened two Murfreesboro shelters and sent 750 meals plus snacks, bottled water, blankets, toiletries and volunteers to assist with the operation.

The Red Cross will keep shelters open as long as needed, in addition to providing mobile feeding and mental health support to those affected by the storm, said spokeswoman Beth Ferguson.

She said the best way to help through their agency is to donate financially to the Heart of Tennessee chapter in Murfreesboro by calling 615-893-4272 or visiting www.midtnredcross.org.

oops I did it again

2009-04-10T07:04:00.000-07:00

i forgot what the subject of this post was going to be

I will come back later
when and if I recall that glimpse of brilliance.

for me

2009-04-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

for me, for the present and immediate future this is as close as I need to get to bliss. I have two therapists that work on me and on occassion I get to massage a friend.
It is such a blessing to have enough strength, information and the willingness to engage in this form of health care.
I use massage as a restorative and preventative means of achieving better overall mental and physical health. I recommend it to you.

cheep cheep - cluck cluck

2009-03-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

I want chickens again
specifically baby chicks
which are coming to the feed store next week
I am not able to care for baby chicks
and do not have a long range plan to have egg laying pullets again
but I want to
which makes me crazy
which is why I posted this on a mental health blog.

If you read this pray
that I move toward sanity
and away from crazy
one step at a time.

cheep

2009-03-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

I will put this here because my family rarely reads this.

it took me a long time to get my registration
and I ended up with a BRAND new license plate
with SHINY tags and a perfect piece of paper to back it all up.

Yesterday I went to get it smog tested, and then to the DMV
and so last night, driving across town at 11pm, when the roads are empty
a car (SUV) pulled a hard U turn and came up behind me.
I had a feeling who it was, but I felt safe, being all newly legal and such.
After stopping at a red light ( he hung back to read my plate) I took off nice and steady
hung the first right, and the first left into a parking lot and PRESTO
the lights came on.....

He said my driving evasively was suspicious.
I did not tell him that his driving made me nervous too
after all HE made a u
did not pull all the way to the limit line at the intersection
and ALSO made the quick right and immediate left into the
lot behind Vons.
I showed him my license and looked too sober for the time of night
so he chuckeld and ( after running my name) let me drive off, free.
two minutes later I saw him pull a U turn on another poor sap.
I guess he was looking for trouble.
I had none to offer, I was too tired

Dead man's party

2009-03-21T10:03:00.001-07:00

In search of tranquility

2009-03-05T22:43:00.001-08:00

i am not in a good place tonight
but this low spot is good because:
I caused it
I know it well
it does not last long
and there is a good reason
and a deep sadness that is at its root
nothing frivolous
or easily solved, or even mine to take care of
but sad, and difficult nevertheless.
It felt good to say it here.
I am sad, but tomorrow I will be happier.
somewhere there is a wild flower blooming
that needs me to appreciate it.
sparkling jewel in the desert,
I am on my way.

weird lyrics

2009-02-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

to the person who would like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony:
You are so controlling, I can not stand it!
What is with you, JUST CHILL, ok?

truly sick

2009-02-27T11:22:00.001-08:00

sicko sick!
I just ordered something fro HSN dot com
and I feel so DiRtY!

please someone shun me!

Not cat like.

2009-02-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

someone told a tale about me ( tail)
that I had Karate training
( that would be my brother, not me)
I break boards, yes, with a saw.
I toss logs around but not as a Scottish sport.
I lift a lot of weight, but have little use for
exercise equipment, I have endurance but will never run a 10k race.

I am not cat-like, nor like a Bull dog,
but if you push me, just enough,
I am like Sarah Palin's mother grizzly.
Mad as hell and not going to take it any longer!

Thank God for wisdom, restraint, and the Holy Spirit.

Slapping myself silly, or?

2009-02-14T09:50:00.000-08:00

mind control, impulse control
important subjects for me recently.

a while back I came to a way of reprogramming myself
that involved slapping my face hard 3 or four times when I was thinking of repeating an old mistake ( mentally) or doing a potentially harmful action ( ie. driving by a place I did not need to go)
I made this deal with myself:
I will give you this gift of immediate and temporary facial pain so that you may avoid visiting the place of emotional pain over and over again.
it goes like this:
beginning of stupid thought or impulse
SLAP Slap slap!
Ouch, what was that for?
nevermind
HUh?
Never have that in your mind again!
oh, uh, OK!

Now I find a kinder gentler way or redirecting my mind around the negative emotions and caring for myself better. TAPPING
i learned about it from my devoted sister Laurel ( see her on Amazon)
who showed me Tapping.com
Here the video instruction is free, and yes it works for me.

God bless your journey, and if you are wearing out your hand on your face, try tapping instead.

big foot

2009-02-08T08:16:00.000-08:00

Camera critters

2009-01-31T11:31:00.001-08:00

annie, a five year old paint

Hello, Again

2009-01-20T10:26:00.000-08:00

So David sent me an email asking me to post. "Oh yeah," I thought, "That blog!"

I haven't posted in some time on this blog, or my other blog, because of work and family. Both have required more and more of my time... And these are good things.

Here's why:

In early April I was approached by a former boss about a job at a startup company. Feeling that I had achieved all that I could at my former place of employment, I decided that this was the right opportunity at the right time, and I went for it.

And here I am, at this new job, in a new role with a new company, and doing very well. I'm focused on work, so much so that I forget that I have these blog things to serve as the occasional distraction.

Working for a startup can (and in this case does) require more attention. I've never considered myself a career-type. On the contrary, I am probably a little too cautious about the importance of being home from work early every night to be with my family. But this has some practical implications. It means that while I'm at work I need to work with focus and diligence to get the things that need to be done done before I call it a day. And this hasn't been a problem... I'm so happy to report that! In the past I would have never been confident enough to take on such a role. I would have doubted my ability to handle the workload. I would have doubted my ability to focus and get things done... I would have stayed at that other job, where things were easy enough that I could work despite my constant distractions.

Things are good.

And to add to the good news, baby #3 will be here in the summer!!!!

Prodigal son, give yourself 8 mins, for God's sake!

2009-01-17T11:19:00.000-08:00

My mind swirls

2009-01-10T07:04:00.000-08:00

book's we needed when we were young:
DR AMEN, Identifying and Healing the Six types of ADD

and Delivered from Distraction in it Hallowell and Ratey embrace the idea that success in life comes more from playing to your strengths than overcoming your weaknesses.

This is the follow up to the one single book that changed my mental health
Driven to Distraction by the same author

I know this post looks like crap
so deal with it, ok? Just get the books for someone you love
Change a life, even if it is only YOURS!

2009-01-03T08:31:00.000-08:00

Bird brain?
No longer

Not me baby!

I am playing brain strengthening games at GAMES FOR THE BRAIN

Sad when someone takes their own life

2008-12-29T16:46:00.000-08:00

the lady who jumped from the cruise ship ( story here )
sparked in me a memory
and as I told this to a new friend
i realized it had untapped value with regards to mental health.

It is frightening how powerful sadness and depression can be, when untreated.
I was on a cruise about 14 years ago with my then wife, Fred*
We were not getting along at this point in our marriage, nor had we for many years.
Now we were confined to the same ship and the same small cabin for four days and had none of the obvious outlets that helped to pass the time aboard: gambling, drinking, romance.

after departure and dinner I was walking the decks alone,
and looked at the sea far below as we steamed toward Catalina Island, our first stop.
I looked for too long at the surge of foam as it raced by, thinking no particular thoughts at all, and then a malicious voice spoke inside my head. The truth of what was said was as clear as the night sky; "you could just jump in there, and it would all be over quickly with no more pain or suffering" "splash, and you are gone. Gone to heaven, where God awaits you."
Sadly I was interested enough in this offer of a way out that I did not run from the rail or scream at the owner of such a slick but menacing proposal. I pondered it long enough to hear my own human reason work out the details of this bargain. No I would not like the water, once I hit it. I do know a thing or two about falling through the air from great heights, and thought that part would be a "trip". No I would not slip silently into the frothy wake and go easily from breathing air to swallowing water. Here was my reply; "You KNOW that you would be screaming like a mad man, swimming like crazy and only wanting to be rescued the second you came to the surface". I could not do it. i did not think about it more, I walked toward the back of the boat... and there saw the most amazing thing........
TBC
*name changed

2008-12-28T18:40:00.000-08:00

to stimulate my brain

2008-12-25T14:17:00.000-08:00

i will be walking on the beach today (Christmas day)
with a storm blowing in

I have great pictures to share ( later )

a reader reflects

2008-12-21T19:02:00.000-08:00

a year ago I got an email from a reader:
After reading your comment and then consequently reading your blog, I visited several sites on Adult ADHD as so much fitted ‘ME’. From there I visited my GP an I really just wanted to say thank you. I am being referred to see a psychiatrist for a profile now It is like having a weight lifted, having reason for so many things and seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I really really wanted to thank you ;)

this sort of comment makes me glad we launched Great Minds

months later I decided to follow up and see what the results were.

your note ( of long ago) made me so happy
i wonder how you are doing today?
God bless you.

today's response:

I have been diagnosed now correctly with a chemical imbalance and have been subscribed a lifetime course of cipralex. I am now on my second month of the medication and the effects have been wonderful. I have slowly been regaining my concentration, I have also begun reading again a hobby which I used to love and am reliving my passion for once again. My work life has become much more focused and I am enjoying that much more all in all things are going very well I thank you for your enquiry and your prior kind words the various posts I have read on your site have been inspirational and it has helped having people in similar if not identically situations to relate to.

So thank you ;)

what cabin fever will do to me

2008-12-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

.
my new meds ( Strattera 60 mg) cost
$153 per month
SO i can not afford a shirt.

hehe
- Just a little crazier than usual -
hope it is not too much skin for you.

Adult ADHD and Church

2008-12-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

Adult ADHD isn't like child ADHD. I'm not running around like a brat and throwing fits. I'm not jumping out of my chair. I'm not shouting at people.

But I am distracted.

I'm a member of the worship team at my church. As such, I am considered a "leader" there. I don't really view myself as a leader, but so it goes... Today I just learned that several people have complained to the worship team director about me, asking for him to "have a talk" about it. They complained not because of anything I did while playing on the team, but because of the way I appear when not no the team.

It was noted that I don't appear engaged. I look around and appear "bored." And indeed, I am certain that I really do appear this way. I am bored. After a while of service, I'm not engaged. I'm distracted... My mind is 1,000 miles away. You see, I choose not to take ADHD medication on the weekends. I don't think it's necessary, and I don't want to be on it every single day. As a result, I'm back to my old ways. I might as well be in my high school algebra class.

I guess this is displayed physically when I am at church.

Now, I have no idea why these people, Christians, didn't approach me in a Christian way, letting me know that I was distracting. This is how the Bible tells us to handle a conflict with a brother. I don't know why a gossip approach was chosen. I don't know why they complained about me and not to me. I certainly wish they would have let me know personally. I would have told these people why I appear to be so bored. Maybe they would have understood, maybe not. At least such an approach would have allowed me to explain the situation. And maybe I wouldn't have to be upset. I could just say, "Okay, I don't want to distract people. I'll sit in the back from now on."

But this didn't happen.

And so now I sit frustrated and upset and hurt. I wonder why people in my church family would act in such a way. I wonder if I can even go back to this church. As of now I feel like an outsider. I'm not welcome because of the way I appear.

Man, that hurts. Bad.

reposted from last year

sometimes

2008-12-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

sanity is helped along by extreme beauty

singing and winging

2008-12-14T16:30:00.000-08:00

Adult ADHD: It Can be Fun Too...

2008-12-11T07:47:00.000-08:00

The other day I was talking about a wedding I was asked to be in. I was going to be playing guitar in a praise band in the wedding that evening.

And I did. And it was great fun. (And an incredible honor to be asked.)

People know me for being one to take on new hobbies relatively often. This summer I'll be photographing my sister's wedding. You see, I'm known as a number of things:

-Photographer
-Guitarist
-Computer Programmer
-Small Group Leader
-Avid Runner
-Reader

Just the other day a coworker said to me, "Matt, you are so talented... You can do so many thing!"

It was an interesting observation, and I must admit, it made me feel good. But my response touched on the reality of it: "Yeah, I do a lot of stuff, but I don't do any one thing really, really well."

Each of the things I mentioned above are current or past hobbies. I'm quick to take on a new hobby, the the follow through is a bit more of a challenge. I have an interest in photography, and I've gotten *okay* at it, but I'm not great. I don't have the attention span to work on the details.

Same with guitar. I'm good enough to play at church and weddings... But I'm not really a great guitarist. In fact, I'm pretty much mediocre. Taking the skill of guitar playing to the next level requires deep attention and a devotion to practice.

Same with my career.

One day I decided I wanted to get into Yo-Yos. Seriously. I bought a bunch of Yo-Yos and learned to do some tricks and stuff. I spent money on getting fancy trick Yo-Yos. And then, after a while, I got bored with it.

One day I decided that I was going to take on the challenge of writing a book. About 5 chapters in I got bored... Like with this post. :-)

feeling just ducky

2008-12-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

Mangosteen fruit

2008-10-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

i am trying something new, a biological weapon of sorts
Xango, and would be happy to have you try it also
if you click here it goes to a page where you can order through me.

I hope it brings more health and happiness to your life.

2008-10-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

i still need a "medication reminder" service
anyone want to volunteer to call or text each morning
and ask, "Didja take yer meds?"

from rascal flatts

2008-10-20T04:58:00.001-07:00

I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad

I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about you throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad
That I don't feel bitter, alone
I just feel its time, its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on

new type of loonie bird

2008-10-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

he
lives in trees

Change, will do you good

2008-10-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

i switched, and I am glad I did

( wasn't that an Ad slogan?)

I switched from Concerta to
Strattera, which came free courtesy of the samples my Dr. had
so it saves me 130. this month and $130 next month, yay!

a bit more "buzzed" but I hope that will fade as I get used to it...

My sanity is totally in question with or without the prescription

JOKE

2008-09-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

How To Install A Home Security System...

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside!!'

prayer - introspection

2008-09-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

well, September was interesting, to say the least
many conversations with my therapist and other loved ones
deep thoughts as I strain to become more real, more aware of my self.
sounds weird to even write that
my self
why was I unaware of me?
perhaps because I was too consumed by awareness of others.
it is better now, as I resolve some of the challenges
that were befuddling my mind.
darkness comes along with the turning leaves and the cooler temps
i really MUST manage my time and energy better
so
pray for me

mental health break

2008-07-19T11:03:00.001-07:00

sanity

i spell it this way:

M I smart!

2008-05-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

Multiple intelligences

( some people in my town would do well with ONE)

check out the site, it may surprise you.

you think you are nuts?

2008-05-02T06:50:00.001-07:00

watch this!

straighten me out

2008-04-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

Expelled - the movie trailer

2008-04-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

a serious affliction

2008-04-14T09:19:00.001-07:00

I have piles disease:
Small piles of clothes stand next to the washer AND dryer.
Numerous piles of mail litter every chair and table in the living room.
There is a pile of winter clothes in the back of my work vehicle
two brand new snow tires are piled on top of each other in the driveway
next to all the stuff pulled from piles in the garage
and now messily piled up on the edges of the same driveway.

I would love to tackle all of this but it is Monday
and after I swallow a pile of pills, I will get out the door because I have a
pile of work to do.

not really a joke

2008-04-08T17:18:00.001-07:00

teetering on the brink of sanity

2008-04-03T05:43:00.000-07:00

lost: my hearts desire
found: some courage

lost: a foolish hope
found: the rock that does not erode in the storm

lost: a care taking position I was not good at
found: taking care of my mom is something I can do

lost: thousands of dollars
found: a bit of sense

for those with new ears,

2008-02-10T11:50:00.001-08:00

music for the ground hog in all of us

2008-02-03T13:13:00.000-08:00

scary things in the night

2008-02-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

I saw scary things last night
( in reverse order)

I was tired, it was nearing 1 am
I was 5 miles from home ( on a 300 mile round trip)
i was towing a trailer.
Two asses were in the road
Donkeys
Grey Burros

I braked, used half the other lane and went around them.

a half hour before that,
driving on the ice
i saw flashers ahead
three cars stopped
one of them stopped head first into
the berm of hard snow and ice
OUCH! I downshifted
kept on going slowly by them.
and was glad for my GNARLY studded snow tires.

but by far the scariest thing I will ever see is the creatures that prowl the aisles of WALMART at 11pm on a Friday night. Uggh I can not believe the disgusting things that pass for human beings any more. what a mess we have. how do these people come to be so hideous, so blank looking and so completely empty of any intelligent thought? My quick answer: Television programing and modern "music"

Jump through the hoop

2008-01-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

i need to have blood tests to keep my prescription
(for Concerta 36 mg)
it is written by a general practicioner Dr.
(not a shrink)
so he is covering his rear.

I would hate to spend big bucks on a blood test
since I know I am healthy and will live forever
but I want MY MEDS!

fortunately
I have a LIFE Extension membership
( no health care, thank you anyway Hillary!)
and I get these tests cheap.
only trick, getting someone to draw my blood...
any volunteers?
I could go into the animal hospital, they are nice people, and like me.
I think they like me.

against all odds

2008-01-22T08:01:00.001-08:00

i do not know HOW I am doing it
but I remain strong
and healthy
and keep my sanity
against all odds

the pain of fully living

2007-12-25T14:54:00.000-08:00

There is something satisfying about the pain of life.
it is better than the dullness of being numb.
when I went to the dentist, the pain was useful
I asked for it, welcomed it because it was temporary, and we were doing something
that was good, but it hurt.

This pain hurts much deeper
and I dare not allow myself the conventional anesthetics available to me.
Today I will feel this fully that I may make good use of the hurt

Loss means you had something
I am now not sure what I had
but i feel the grief and mourning
I hate that I saw it coming and did nothing to get myself out of the way
Like a deer blinded with fear in the headlights of the coming car
I stayed too long, frozen, fearing to jump too soon or in the wrong direction.
My heart is road kill. Will someone pick it up and move it gently to the side of the road
so that at least it may feed the other forest scavengers
and be of some use.

me and my crew,

2007-12-23T13:51:00.001-08:00

i swear its true

2007-12-22T09:07:00.001-08:00

a tip for myself:
if you CAN skip a day of medication
you MIGHT sleep really deeply
and just catch up
on the rest you need

THankful
and looking for the STAR
of Christmas
( i am )

hard work

2007-11-12T17:41:00.001-08:00

is good therapy

2007-11-12T08:13:00.001-08:00

60 days on my new dosage
and I can say
"it works,
or rather, I work better when 36 mg of Concerta is in me"

I am off to split wood, oh joy, physical workouts help too!
Thank God for my special lady, who loves me even when I can not venture off the couch all day on Sunday ( after service of course)
Thank God for my brother, sister, and mom.

love my meds

2007-10-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

love my helpers!
love that one woman who loves me, too
Really love when God sees my 'behindness',
and sends me working angels.

super scooper

2007-10-26T07:43:00.001-07:00

God, Bless the men who are flying this today, they will catch more trout than I ever have, but I can buy trout in the market. There is no place to buy courage and skill like these men display.

2007-10-25T07:24:00.000-07:00

i don't like it when I forget to take my $4.oo pill

there are so many people who want me
and my talents, its very stressful now
and I need to focus.

Thank God for vitamin B in all its numerical
versions, and for Ginseng and bee pollen.

"shake me, I rattle, rock me, I don't roll!"

a major victory has been acheived

2007-09-27T08:56:00.000-07:00

Thank God
for health
and recovery,

and for the good
that some medications bring
to our lives, and the peace it brings to those who love us.

i forgot my meds today

2007-09-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

but then I was distracted by this

Duh

2007-09-12T14:51:00.000-07:00

note to self:
The medication you pay 120 per month for
will only help you if you put it in your mouth and swallow.

(thanks self!)

who what when where why?

2007-09-07T07:37:00.000-07:00

who is in charge of me?

When part of the reason I take medication is to help me recall important things in a timely fashion, what will make me remember to take my medication daily?

( i will bet there is an email based medication reminder service out there somewhere)

Why does my credit union give me a discount prescription card that does not actually discount my prescriptions?

How come there are so many consonants in the word prescriptions?
Why doesn't the KING of retailers W- mart, carry Concerta in their pharmacy?

What more can I be than I am already being, when I get organized and up to date with all my paper work and financial crapola?*

*The word bullshit was contemplated, but there may be young readers.

Jacked up, waiting to fly

2007-09-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

I asked my Dr. to up my Concerta from 27mg to 36mg and he did
let's see how that works out
AND how much more it costs.

Moving is over.
now a huge project that needs all my attention.
"Come on Davey boy!"

new me?

2007-08-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

I THINK the Concerta is kicking in,
and I know that I like having a new BIG house
and BIG responsibility
to pay the rent and utilities all by my self.
( no sharing, yay)
I Love that my photography is getting good reviews
and making the cover of a national catalog.
go ahead, ask me for one....

AND i have new teeth, 5 to be exact
so I am relearning how to talk,
and eating a bit mmore thoughtfully
all good at the age of 25 ( i am still having some dislexia, it seems)

Hi Everyone

2007-08-17T16:47:00.001-07:00

I'm still around, reading, writing a little, and working. Speaking of success with Concerta, I'm starting an MBA program this fall. Sorry for not posting more, but it has been one (good) busy summer!

this could be (part of) the new me

2007-08-15T17:54:00.001-07:00

Clean, swept.
Is this house waiting to be occupied by someone more sane than my former self?

quite possibly.
Please do pray for a good outcome,
I will send you preserves as a thank you.

2007-08-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

I am willing to try Concerta,
I have their info package and Matt's
testimonial. I need some help.
here is a toast to a better, faster,
more efficient me.

God bless the USA and God bless you.

and peace to all who struggle with their inner ghosts.

this blog needs help

2007-07-18T07:18:00.002-07:00

here is a very violent encounter between water buffalo, lions, and a surprise guest.