the pain of fully living

There is something satisfying about the pain of life.
it is better than the dullness of being numb.
when I went to the dentist, the pain was useful
I asked for it, welcomed it because it was temporary, and we were doing something
that was good, but it hurt.


This pain hurts much deeper
and I dare not allow myself the conventional anesthetics available to me.
Today I will feel this fully that I may make good use of the hurt


Loss means you had something
I am now not sure what I had
but i feel the grief and mourning
I hate that I saw it coming and did nothing to get myself out of the way
Like a deer blinded with fear in the headlights of the coming car
I stayed too long, frozen, fearing to jump too soon or in the wrong direction.
My heart is road kill. Will someone pick it up and move it gently to the side of the road
so that at least it may feed the other forest scavengers
and be of some use.

me and my crew,

a tip for myself:
if you CAN skip a day of medication
you MIGHT sleep really deeply
and just catch up
on the rest you need

THankful
and looking for the STAR
of Christmas
( i am )