Monday, December 29, 2008

Sad when someone takes their own life

the lady who jumped from the cruise ship ( story here )
sparked in me a memory
and as I told this to a new friend
i realized it had untapped value with regards to mental health.

It is frightening how powerful sadness and depression can be, when untreated.
I was on a cruise about 14 years ago with my then wife, Fred*
We were not getting along at this point in our marriage, nor had we for many years.
Now we were confined to the same ship and the same small cabin for four days and had none of the obvious outlets that helped to pass the time aboard: gambling, drinking, romance.

after departure and dinner I was walking the decks alone,
and looked at the sea far below as we steamed toward Catalina Island, our first stop.
I looked for too long at the surge of foam as it raced by, thinking no particular thoughts at all, and then a malicious voice spoke inside my head. The truth of what was said was as clear as the night sky; "you could just jump in there, and it would all be over quickly with no more pain or suffering" "splash, and you are gone. Gone to heaven, where God awaits you."
Sadly I was interested enough in this offer of a way out that I did not run from the rail or scream at the owner of such a slick but menacing proposal. I pondered it long enough to hear my own human reason work out the details of this bargain. No I would not like the water, once I hit it. I do know a thing or two about falling through the air from great heights, and thought that part would be a "trip". No I would not slip silently into the frothy wake and go easily from breathing air to swallowing water. Here was my reply; "You KNOW that you would be screaming like a mad man, swimming like crazy and only wanting to be rescued the second you came to the surface". I could not do it. i did not think about it more, I walked toward the back of the boat... and there saw the most amazing thing........
*name changed

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Posted by Picasa

Thursday, December 25, 2008

to stimulate my brain

i will be walking on the beach today (Christmas day)
with a storm blowing in

I have great pictures to share ( later )

Sunday, December 21, 2008

a reader reflects

a year ago I got an email from a reader:
After reading your comment and then consequently reading your blog, I visited several sites on Adult ADHD as so much fitted ‘ME’. From there I visited my GP an I really just wanted to say thank you. I am being referred to see a psychiatrist for a profile now It is like having a weight lifted, having reason for so many things and seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I really really wanted to thank you ;)

this sort of comment makes me glad we launched Great Minds

months later I decided to follow up and see what the results were.

your note ( of long ago) made me so happy
i wonder how you are doing today?
God bless you.

today's response:

I have been diagnosed now correctly with a chemical imbalance and have been subscribed a lifetime course of cipralex. I am now on my second month of the medication and the effects have been wonderful. I have slowly been regaining my concentration, I have also begun reading again a hobby which I used to love and am reliving my passion for once again. My work life has become much more focused and I am enjoying that much more all in all things are going very well I thank you for your enquiry and your prior kind words the various posts I have read on your site have been inspirational and it has helped having people in similar if not identically situations to relate to.

So thank you ;)

Friday, December 19, 2008

what cabin fever will do to me

my new meds ( Strattera 60 mg) cost
$153 per month
SO i can not afford a shirt.

- Just a little crazier than usual -
hope it is not too much skin for you.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Adult ADHD and Church

Adult ADHD isn't like child ADHD. I'm not running around like a brat and throwing fits. I'm not jumping out of my chair. I'm not shouting at people.

But I am distracted.

I'm a member of the worship team at my church. As such, I am considered a "leader" there. I don't really view myself as a leader, but so it goes... Today I just learned that several people have complained to the worship team director about me, asking for him to "have a talk" about it. They complained not because of anything I did while playing on the team, but because of the way I appear when not no the team.

It was noted that I don't appear engaged. I look around and appear "bored." And indeed, I am certain that I really do appear this way. I am bored. After a while of service, I'm not engaged. I'm distracted... My mind is 1,000 miles away. You see, I choose not to take ADHD medication on the weekends. I don't think it's necessary, and I don't want to be on it every single day. As a result, I'm back to my old ways. I might as well be in my high school algebra class.

I guess this is displayed physically when I am at church.

Now, I have no idea why these people, Christians, didn't approach me in a Christian way, letting me know that I was distracting. This is how the Bible tells us to handle a conflict with a brother. I don't know why a gossip approach was chosen. I don't know why they complained about me and not to me. I certainly wish they would have let me know personally. I would have told these people why I appear to be so bored. Maybe they would have understood, maybe not. At least such an approach would have allowed me to explain the situation. And maybe I wouldn't have to be upset. I could just say, "Okay, I don't want to distract people. I'll sit in the back from now on."

But this didn't happen.

And so now I sit frustrated and upset and hurt. I wonder why people in my church family would act in such a way. I wonder if I can even go back to this church. As of now I feel like an outsider. I'm not welcome because of the way I appear.

Man, that hurts. Bad.

reposted from last year

Monday, December 15, 2008


sanity is helped along by extreme beauty Posted by Picasa

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Adult ADHD: It Can be Fun Too...

The other day I was talking about a wedding I was asked to be in. I was going to be playing guitar in a praise band in the wedding that evening.

And I did. And it was great fun. (And an incredible honor to be asked.)

People know me for being one to take on new hobbies relatively often. This summer I'll be photographing my sister's wedding. You see, I'm known as a number of things:

-Computer Programmer
-Small Group Leader
-Avid Runner

Just the other day a coworker said to me, "Matt, you are so talented... You can do so many thing!"

It was an interesting observation, and I must admit, it made me feel good. But my response touched on the reality of it: "Yeah, I do a lot of stuff, but I don't do any one thing really, really well."

Each of the things I mentioned above are current or past hobbies. I'm quick to take on a new hobby, the the follow through is a bit more of a challenge. I have an interest in photography, and I've gotten *okay* at it, but I'm not great. I don't have the attention span to work on the details.

Same with guitar. I'm good enough to play at church and weddings... But I'm not really a great guitarist. In fact, I'm pretty much mediocre. Taking the skill of guitar playing to the next level requires deep attention and a devotion to practice.

Same with my career.

One day I decided I wanted to get into Yo-Yos. Seriously. I bought a bunch of Yo-Yos and learned to do some tricks and stuff. I spent money on getting fancy trick Yo-Yos. And then, after a while, I got bored with it.

One day I decided that I was going to take on the challenge of writing a book. About 5 chapters in I got bored... Like with this post. :-)

Tuesday, December 02, 2008