Monday, December 29, 2008
sparked in me a memory
and as I told this to a new friend
i realized it had untapped value with regards to mental health.
It is frightening how powerful sadness and depression can be, when untreated.
I was on a cruise about 14 years ago with my then wife, Fred*
We were not getting along at this point in our marriage, nor had we for many years.
Now we were confined to the same ship and the same small cabin for four days and had none of the obvious outlets that helped to pass the time aboard: gambling, drinking, romance.
after departure and dinner I was walking the decks alone,
and looked at the sea far below as we steamed toward Catalina Island, our first stop.
I looked for too long at the surge of foam as it raced by, thinking no particular thoughts at all, and then a malicious voice spoke inside my head. The truth of what was said was as clear as the night sky; "you could just jump in there, and it would all be over quickly with no more pain or suffering" "splash, and you are gone. Gone to heaven, where God awaits you."
Sadly I was interested enough in this offer of a way out that I did not run from the rail or scream at the owner of such a slick but menacing proposal. I pondered it long enough to hear my own human reason work out the details of this bargain. No I would not like the water, once I hit it. I do know a thing or two about falling through the air from great heights, and thought that part would be a "trip". No I would not slip silently into the frothy wake and go easily from breathing air to swallowing water. Here was my reply; "You KNOW that you would be screaming like a mad man, swimming like crazy and only wanting to be rescued the second you came to the surface". I could not do it. i did not think about it more, I walked toward the back of the boat... and there saw the most amazing thing........
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
a year ago I got an email from a reader:
After reading your comment and then consequently reading your blog, I visited several sites on Adult ADHD as so much fitted ‘ME’. From there I visited my GP an I really just wanted to say thank you. I am being referred to see a psychiatrist for a profile now It is like having a weight lifted, having reason for so many things and seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I really really wanted to thank you ;)
this sort of comment makes me glad we launched Great Minds
months later I decided to follow up and see what the results were.
your note ( of long ago) made me so happy
i wonder how you are doing today?
God bless you.
I have been diagnosed now correctly with a chemical imbalance and have been subscribed a lifetime course of cipralex. I am now on my second month of the medication and the effects have been wonderful. I have slowly been regaining my concentration, I have also begun reading again a hobby which I used to love and am reliving my passion for once again. My work life has become much more focused and I am enjoying that much more all in all things are going very well I thank you for your enquiry and your prior kind words the various posts I have read on your site have been inspirational and it has helped having people in similar if not identically situations to relate to.
So thank you ;)
Friday, December 19, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
But I am distracted.
I'm a member of the worship team at my church. As such, I am considered a "leader" there. I don't really view myself as a leader, but so it goes... Today I just learned that several people have complained to the worship team director about me, asking for him to "have a talk" about it. They complained not because of anything I did while playing on the team, but because of the way I appear when not no the team.
It was noted that I don't appear engaged. I look around and appear "bored." And indeed, I am certain that I really do appear this way. I am bored. After a while of service, I'm not engaged. I'm distracted... My mind is 1,000 miles away. You see, I choose not to take ADHD medication on the weekends. I don't think it's necessary, and I don't want to be on it every single day. As a result, I'm back to my old ways. I might as well be in my high school algebra class.
I guess this is displayed physically when I am at church.
Now, I have no idea why these people, Christians, didn't approach me in a Christian way, letting me know that I was distracting. This is how the Bible tells us to handle a conflict with a brother. I don't know why a gossip approach was chosen. I don't know why they complained about me and not to me. I certainly wish they would have let me know personally. I would have told these people why I appear to be so bored. Maybe they would have understood, maybe not. At least such an approach would have allowed me to explain the situation. And maybe I wouldn't have to be upset. I could just say, "Okay, I don't want to distract people. I'll sit in the back from now on."
But this didn't happen.
And so now I sit frustrated and upset and hurt. I wonder why people in my church family would act in such a way. I wonder if I can even go back to this church. As of now I feel like an outsider. I'm not welcome because of the way I appear.
Man, that hurts. Bad.
reposted from last year
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
And I did. And it was great fun. (And an incredible honor to be asked.)
People know me for being one to take on new hobbies relatively often. This summer I'll be photographing my sister's wedding. You see, I'm known as a number of things:
-Small Group Leader
Just the other day a coworker said to me, "Matt, you are so talented... You can do so many thing!"
It was an interesting observation, and I must admit, it made me feel good. But my response touched on the reality of it: "Yeah, I do a lot of stuff, but I don't do any one thing really, really well."
Each of the things I mentioned above are current or past hobbies. I'm quick to take on a new hobby, the the follow through is a bit more of a challenge. I have an interest in photography, and I've gotten *okay* at it, but I'm not great. I don't have the attention span to work on the details.
Same with guitar. I'm good enough to play at church and weddings... But I'm not really a great guitarist. In fact, I'm pretty much mediocre. Taking the skill of guitar playing to the next level requires deep attention and a devotion to practice.
Same with my career.
One day I decided I wanted to get into Yo-Yos. Seriously. I bought a bunch of Yo-Yos and learned to do some tricks and stuff. I spent money on getting fancy trick Yo-Yos. And then, after a while, I got bored with it.
One day I decided that I was going to take on the challenge of writing a book. About 5 chapters in I got bored... Like with this post. :-)
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about you throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad
That I don't feel bitter, alone
I just feel its time, its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Saturday, October 04, 2008
( wasn't that an Ad slogan?)
I switched from Concerta to
Strattera, which came free courtesy of the samples my Dr. had
so it saves me 130. this month and $130 next month, yay!
a bit more "buzzed" but I hope that will fade as I get used to it...
My sanity is totally in question with or without the prescription
Friday, September 26, 2008
How To Install A Home Security System...
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside!!'
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
many conversations with my therapist and other loved ones
deep thoughts as I strain to become more real, more aware of my self.
sounds weird to even write that
why was I unaware of me?
perhaps because I was too consumed by awareness of others.
it is better now, as I resolve some of the challenges
that were befuddling my mind.
darkness comes along with the turning leaves and the cooler temps
i really MUST manage my time and energy better
pray for me
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Monday, May 05, 2008
Friday, May 02, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Small piles of clothes stand next to the washer AND dryer.
Numerous piles of mail litter every chair and table in the living room.
There is a pile of winter clothes in the back of my work vehicle
two brand new snow tires are piled on top of each other in the driveway
next to all the stuff pulled from piles in the garage
and now messily piled up on the edges of the same driveway.
I would love to tackle all of this but it is Monday
and after I swallow a pile of pills, I will get out the door because I have a
pile of work to do.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
found: some courage
lost: a foolish hope
found: the rock that does not erode in the storm
lost: a care taking position I was not good at
found: taking care of my mom is something I can do
lost: thousands of dollars
found: a bit of sense
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Saturday, February 02, 2008
( in reverse order)
I was tired, it was nearing 1 am
I was 5 miles from home ( on a 300 mile round trip)
i was towing a trailer.
Two asses were in the road
I braked, used half the other lane and went around them.
a half hour before that,
driving on the ice
i saw flashers ahead
three cars stopped
one of them stopped head first into
the berm of hard snow and ice
OUCH! I downshifted
kept on going slowly by them.
and was glad for my GNARLY studded snow tires.
but by far the scariest thing I will ever see is the creatures that prowl the aisles of WALMART at 11pm on a Friday night. Uggh I can not believe the disgusting things that pass for human beings any more. what a mess we have. how do these people come to be so hideous, so blank looking and so completely empty of any intelligent thought? My quick answer: Television programing and modern "music"
Thursday, January 24, 2008
(for Concerta 36 mg)
it is written by a general practicioner Dr.
(not a shrink)
so he is covering his rear.
I would hate to spend big bucks on a blood test
since I know I am healthy and will live forever
but I want MY MEDS!
I have a LIFE Extension membership
( no health care, thank you anyway Hillary!)
and I get these tests cheap.
only trick, getting someone to draw my blood...
I could go into the animal hospital, they are nice people, and like me.
I think they like me.