the pain of fully living

There is something satisfying about the pain of life.
it is better than the dullness of being numb.
when I went to the dentist, the pain was useful
I asked for it, welcomed it because it was temporary, and we were doing something
that was good, but it hurt.


This pain hurts much deeper
and I dare not allow myself the conventional anesthetics available to me.
Today I will feel this fully that I may make good use of the hurt


Loss means you had something
I am now not sure what I had
but i feel the grief and mourning
I hate that I saw it coming and did nothing to get myself out of the way
Like a deer blinded with fear in the headlights of the coming car
I stayed too long, frozen, fearing to jump too soon or in the wrong direction.
My heart is road kill. Will someone pick it up and move it gently to the side of the road
so that at least it may feed the other forest scavengers
and be of some use.

me and my crew,

a tip for myself:
if you CAN skip a day of medication
you MIGHT sleep really deeply
and just catch up
on the rest you need

THankful
and looking for the STAR
of Christmas
( i am )

hard work

is good therapy

60 days on my new dosage
and I can say
"it works,
or rather, I work better when 36 mg of Concerta is in me"

I am off to split wood, oh joy, physical workouts help too!
Thank God for my special lady, who loves me even when I can not venture off the couch all day on Sunday ( after service of course)
Thank God for my brother, sister, and mom.

love my meds

love my helpers!
love that one woman who loves me, too
Really love when God sees my 'behindness',
and sends me working angels.

super scooper

God, Bless the men who are flying this today, they will catch more trout than I ever have, but I can buy trout in the market. There is no place to buy courage and skill like these men display.

i don't like it when I forget to take my $4.oo pill

there are so many people who want me
and my talents, its very stressful now
and I need to focus.

Thank God for vitamin B in all its numerical
versions, and for Ginseng and bee pollen.

"shake me, I rattle, rock me, I don't roll!"

a major victory has been acheived

Thank God
for health
and recovery,

and for the good
that some medications bring
to our lives, and the peace it brings to those who love us.

i forgot my meds today

but then I was distracted by this

Duh

note to self:
The medication you pay 120 per month for
will only help you if you put it in your mouth and swallow.

(thanks self!)

who what when where why?

who is in charge of me?

When part of the reason I take medication is to help me recall important things in a timely fashion, what will make me remember to take my medication daily?

( i will bet there is an email based medication reminder service out there somewhere)

Why does my credit union give me a discount prescription card that does not actually discount my prescriptions?

How come there are so many consonants in the word prescriptions?
Why doesn't the KING of retailers W- mart, carry Concerta in their pharmacy?

What more can I be than I am already being, when I get organized and up to date with all my paper work and financial crapola?*

*The word bullshit was contemplated, but there may be young readers.

Jacked up, waiting to fly

I asked my Dr. to up my Concerta from 27mg to 36mg and he did
let's see how that works out
AND how much more it costs.

Moving is over.
now a huge project that needs all my attention.
"Come on Davey boy!"

new me?

I THINK the Concerta is kicking in,
and I know that I like having a new BIG house
and BIG responsibility
to pay the rent and utilities all by my self.
( no sharing, yay)
I Love that my photography is getting good reviews
and making the cover of a national catalog.
go ahead, ask me for one....

AND i have new teeth, 5 to be exact
so I am relearning how to talk,
and eating a bit mmore thoughtfully
all good at the age of 25 ( i am still having some dislexia, it seems)

Hi Everyone

I'm still around, reading, writing a little, and working. Speaking of success with Concerta, I'm starting an MBA program this fall. Sorry for not posting more, but it has been one (good) busy summer!

this could be (part of) the new me

Clean, swept.
Is this house waiting to be occupied by someone more sane than my former self?

quite possibly.
Please do pray for a good outcome,
I will send you preserves as a thank you.

I am willing to try Concerta,
I have their info package and Matt's
testimonial. I need some help.
here is a toast to a better, faster,
more efficient me.

God bless the USA and God bless you.

and peace to all who struggle with their inner ghosts.

this blog needs help

here is a very violent encounter between water buffalo, lions, and a surprise guest.

taking my work on the road...

Thera-Massage

more than relaxation

In your home or office

call 909-936-XXXX

Or email:

Davidschmidt3 at juno dot com

limited coverage area, of course

The prayer of Jabez

I am praying
and it is changing the way I see everything.

And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying,
“Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that your hand would be with me, and that you would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain.”
So God granted him what he requested. —I Chronicles 4:10 NKJV

Success

It's been a while since I posted here. In fact, it's been a while since I've blogged much at all. Let me say that I love blogging and writing, but the fact that I've slowed down points to a success with my ADHD medication.

Lately I've been able to focus on work and family and things in life that are important and require attention. I believe this has everything to do with being properly treated for a condition that has affected my life for many years. Now I don't want to say anything that sounds like I am looking for some sort of a crutch... I am definitely not. Truth be told, however, I'm finding that I'm so much better able to organize life and work and balance things that are important that I spend less time in aimless activities.

I love aimless, absent-mindedness as much as anyone, but it's not a good trait in a father who is trying to support a family. ADHD medication doesn't make you smarter or less lazy or a better person. It simply makes it easier for me to eliminate all the personality quirks that lead to severe and constant distraction. If accepting a diagnosis and seeking treatment for it means that I am better able to spend dedicated time with my family and earning the money that my employer pays me (also for my family), then I think I have a responsibility to go with it.

and in the news.......

My friend Minerva has such good news,
please go visit her blog and leave a comment.

i am off my medication

it was crucial to have it during the winter
I will try skipping the wellbutrin for a week
if I can get enough other "energy stuff" in my system
I may be alright - to go without through the summer.
Lots of good work ahead.
and tomorrow is Sunrise service at 6:30 am. so i better get some rest.
God bless you all.

---------------
Update Saturday - the 21st
Two weeks later
I CAN feel the difference, in terms of energy and focus,
but I am determined to push a bit further into the great unmedicated zone
in order to know the limits of my own being au naturel.

and wow - I also have a new career path.

today is our Big Bear MS walk, see my other blog or click here to donate.

B a L week!

Sorry Matt, I just have to go silly for a moment.

By Declaration: It is befriend a looney week

EVERYONE needs someone in their life that is crazy
we all seem to find at least one.
(Schizophrenics may need two or more)

So we are instituting at Sugarloaf mountain and here at"Great minds!"
the new policy of befriending a crazy person, and telling you,
our faithful and few readers, that it is OK, nay even GOOD to find and bind to a person of questionable sanity. Yes, loonies ( as they like to be known) need us and we need them.

A few disclaimers: the person you are married to does not count.
Your teenagers do not count, as they MIGHT grow out of it, and someday be sane, leaving you looneyless. ( can't have that now, can we?)

So dig around in the dusty corners of your societal room, and find a discarded loonie, and take them under your care. but do be careful, some do not know that they need befriending and may bite at first, till they get that you are a kind and caring soul, with their best interest at heart.

Why do I ask you to do this? what is the import of having a special loon in your life?
It's very simple. Having someone who is clearly bannanas near and dear to us makes us feel more sane.
We all need that, to feel alright, to see ourselves as fitting in, doing ok, and performing somewhere near the norm. The best way to do that is to get your very own specimen of disfunctionality and bring them close, it will make "your world" feel like a more balanced place.

IF you have trouble finding your first loon, the author may be available for a brief period of time, until you get the knack for spotting and picking your own suitable loonie.
NO sacrifice is too great when it comes to assurng your mental health.
We give and give until we have little craziness left, then we go talk to our teens and recharge, Such is our dedication to the cause!

Now, GO, find a crazy person, and see how much more sane you will feel!

A Great Review

Did I mention that my annual review at work was one of the best I've ever had? I'm not sure that I can credit ADHD medication with all of it, as I have been more diligent with my work by intentional effort, but it certainly has at least something to do with it.

ADHD medication doesn't make a person work harder or smarter or better or faster. It simply allows me to focus in on the task at hand. Often that task is troubleshooting an issue. This is hard to explain, but I'm able to do so without being distracted or having racing thoughts while attempting to do so.

I'm in a position which involves numerous interruptions. To someone with ADHD, these interruptions can kill productivity. Nowadays, after an interruption, I find that I am able to turn back to what I was working on and focus. In the past an interruption, however small, could easily ruin my productivity the the rest of the day.

And here's another interesting thing: I find that I am able to turn off various obsessions. When I lay down at night, I don't find my mind racing and thinking about work or bills or how I need to get the car in for an oil change. I'm able to just relax. It's interesting that a stimulant (Concerta is a stimulant) can allow one to actually relax. My Psychiatrist explained it all to me, and he wasn't surprised one bit when I told him that I had been sleeping better at night.

So what's the catch? Well, I suppose there are a few. Concerta, even with insurance coverage, isn't cheap. I have excellent insurance and I still pay $30 a month for my prescription. Also, it is a stimulant. I sometimes wonder how often or for how long I want to take a stimulant. Daily? For how many years?

I've settled into taking Concerta on days that I am at work. The benefits of Concerta (with regard to adult ADHD) certainly go beyond the workplace, but I still struggle with the idea of popping this pill each and every day of my life.

Here's a funny sidenote: I never really think twice about drinking caffeine every day. Talking to my Psychiatrist about the massive amounts of caffeine I used to drink (I've cut back dramatically), he talked to me about how sometimes people with ADHD, especially those who don't know they have it, self-medicate with caffeine. I have a feeling this is what I was doing.

The single most important thing that I've been able to do as a result of being diagnosed and given the proper treatment is listen. I can actually sit and hold a conversation with someone, appreciating what that person has to say. This is much better than how I used to "hold a conversation", looking around the room and not really paying all that much attention.

Church

A while back I wrote about how a couple of people complained about my distracted behavior at church. That was over 4 weeks ago. This past Sunday I returned to my church for the first time since that happened. I still feel strange about the whole thing. I sat in the very back, behind the soudnboard, where nobody would see me. It still bothers me, for a number of reasons.

Why are people watching me during service? Am I really a distraction? Can I do something about it? Is this a problem of mine or a problem with those who complained?

pill popping

Unlike Matt I do take my meds 7 days a week.
I also take a B vitamin, a multiple, Fish oil, ginseng and other supplements.
This is the only way I can be sure to take two doses per day. Even then I forget some days.
i am kind of down today, too much confusion and multiple demands on myself in different cities.
I hate driving the freeways, because of the idiots all around me.
On the plus side I have met some really nice people, attended a new church, and contacted several new clients locally.
Now I just need to focus on the stuff that comes AFTER the dentist tomorrow morning.

window mirror

What we see,
what we project
how we frame our lives
and the way others see us.

All these are affected by our mental health.
SO be as healthy as you can
and bear with my small weirdness.
Better to live in a family of helpers
than swim with creatures that want
to drag you down.

So Far So Good

I've been on ADHD meds now for about 4 months, and the changes I have noticed have been incredible.
I was reminded of this on Monday. I schedule a meeting with the head of our department because I wanted to have a talk with her about my career goals, where I want to go and how I want to get there. I'm not a very career oriented person, but I do have some goals.

She said something to me that really took my by surprise: "Matt, people appreciate how well you listen to them. Because you listen so well and gather all the feedback from people before cutting them off, people respect what you have to say when you do talk."

I was floored.

Me? A good listener? Could it be?

Indeed as I look back over the past few months, the changes have been noteworthy. My work review, just 2 weeks ago, was one of the best reviews I have ever had. I've been able to focus and get real work done. I've been able to listen to people and have people listen to me. I can maintain eye contact and focus for longer than 5 seconds... Heck, I can maintain focus for longer than an hour. That kind of focus is something I have never experienced before. Ever.

I remain cautious. I don't want to spend all of my days on ADHD medication. I don't take it when I don't need it (as you can tell from the previous post I wrote about my bad church experience).

I guess I've changed. I've moved from being someone who viewed such drugs as a crutch and such a diagnosis as outrageous, to being someone who has been affected in an extremely positive way because of a diagnosis and treatment.

different - but not worse off

just a quick note:
many things about ADD ADHD cause sadness and misunderstanding
but there are humorous and beautiful effects as well.
As I think Matt has noted earlier, we do not wish ourselves to be "normal"
but do wish to function better in order to serve our families, our communities and God.

So you take it all, the good and that bad, the sad and the funny
and you live a life that pleases some and disappoints others.
The help we have found, we are forever grateful for,
the road ahead is full of hope and promise
because we at least now know what is going on
inside of these "Great Minds"

Shalom!

Medication

Why do Christians want to treat mental illness, mild or severe, as somehow less of an issue that physical illness? I ask this question as someone who has, in the past, equated mental issues with a lack of faith. It's not a very good thing to do.

I found this post on Emerging Women today. It's about chronic physical illness, but the commentary in this post is relevant to mental issues as well.

Here's a snippet:

When I was a kid my mom struggled with the spiritual ramifications of her using her asthma medication; for a time she believed that doing so would prove her lack of faith in God, that if she managed to acquire enough faith she would be healed. It never happened and she's Publishsince moved on from that belief. Years later, someone who shared similar beliefs told me that I'd be cured of a fairly serious (though not life-threatening) allergy I have if I had enough faith. I didn't believe him, but that conversation has aroused some questions that I still grapple with in my mind.

[Emerging Women: Theology of Chronic Illness]

A Medicated Life

I have ADHD.

As an adult, and someone who spend many years thinking the very idea of ADHD was silly, this was a difficult pill to swallow (literally).

Naturally, even after coming to terms with the fact, it's difficult to grasp the idea that I will be popping pills every day for a long time to come. It's not something that I tend to want to do.

I read about alternatives often, and fish oil/omega-3 supplementation does seem to have some benefits. Along with the alternatives I have decided (and the psychiatrist agrees with this idea) that I'll only take ADHD medication when it is needed. This generally means only during the work week.

For ADHD medication this is okay. What about others? How do you deal with this issue?

i forget, i forgot

two common phrases for me.

yesterday I forgot my medications - twice.
not so good, and I was feeling it later in the day
I looked at the pill organizer this morning
and there were all of yesterdays vitamins
and two doses of Wellbutrin SR

its not good to let down my guard
especially when others are counting on me.

Matt, how do you remember to take yours,
or do you have a personal assistant?

thank God

that even though its VERY cold
and we have snow
I am in a good mood and finding
excercise and positive thinking are working out for me.

Praying for those for whom this winter is a trial.
I have been ther,
I understand.
email me, I will answer back ASAP.

Last night MINUS FIVE Farenheit

---------- update mid day warming nicely, may make 32! woo hoo --

and Franco, and any other robot advertisers, I do not want your crap here, this is a respectable blog.... hehe